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5 Annoying Ways to Wear Sunglasses

Sunglasses are amazing. They help darken a bright and sunny day, and block harmful ultraviolet radiation from damaging your eyesight. They're basically a medical device, like an asthma puffer, walker, or backbrace -- only, shades don't make you look less cool. They actually make you look cooler, by a full 45%.

Don't believe me? Here's Tom Cruise. On the left, he's a cool party guy. On the right, a grown man throwing a full-blown grocery store tantrum. Notice how he's basically making the same face? Sunglasses make all the difference in the world.

Tom Cruise /w Sunglasses Tom Cruise /w Sunglasses
(Image: Left, Esquire. Right, Fempop.)

Sunglasses are a force to be reckoned with, but like any force they can be used for good or evil. What follows are five dark paths the sunglass wearer can travel once they lose their way and stray from the path of the righteous badass to the sidewalk of unimaginable douchebaggery.

Top of the Head

Top of Bald Head
(Image: Mom Generations)

What's wrong with this, you ask? Nothing, so long as you have a full head of hair. Sorry bald guys, but when I see you walk around with sunglasses perfectly perched atop your head, I can't help but wonder what dark magic keeps them bound to your mannequin-smooth scalp.

Back of the Head

Back of the Head
(Image: Lobster Donut)

This method doesn't defy physics as much as Top of the Head, but it does imply a thick slice of neck waddle holding the glasses in place. Wearing your shades on the back of your head is a red flag. Not in the "danger signal" sense, but the kind of red flag a matador waves in order to enrage a bull. Nothing makes me want to smack the back of a perfect stranger's head more than seeing their sunglasses reflecting my own black-eyed rage upon me.

Top of the Head, Over a Hat

Tucked into Shirt
(Image: The Greenhouse)

In Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, there's a teacher who turns out to have a monstrous face hidden under his turban. Obviously this is the exception to the rule, but it's hard not to suspect people who wear sunglasses over their hats of the same. I'm not saying I automatically assume every guy with a huge beer gut is harboring Basket Case, but if you start cutting peep holes in your t-shirt, I'm can safely assume you're smuggling a Kuato.

Tucked Into Shirt Collar

Men shouldn't wear v-neck t-shirts. A heavy pair of sunglasses turns a normal collar into a peep show. And god help those around you if you're swarthy. Nothing turns a stomach quite like curly black chest hair peering out at the world like some closet monster waiting for the children to fall asleep.

On A Dog's Butt

"Hey look, I put my sunglasses on my dog's butt!"


Yes, this is actually a thing. Don't believe me? Let me Google that for you. There are dozens upon dozens of videos, pictures, and probably short novels detailing this key step in the downfall of humanity. Children are starving in Africa and you've got a $100 pair of Newports perched two inches above a pitbull's exit hatch. When a team of scientists send a prisoner back in time to figure out the exact moment when things went horribly wrong, don't be surprised when he shows up at your house.

— Zeus | @RealBucketBros | Email

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