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The Goonies (1985) Review
Beef and Mac Movie Cops

The Goonies (1985) - Map
The Goonies try to find their way to the fabled Lost Sequel

Beef: The events that take place in The Goonies are loosely based on my childhood, or maybe it's the other way around. I never had an Aisan friend growing up, but I did know fatties, meat heads, and hobbits, so I felt right at home. Someday I will need to make a large amount of money in a small amount of time to save a family home, or if I play my cards right, plow over a seaside suburban paradise with a sick new golf course. Democrat working hard to one day become a republican and all that.

The Goonies (1985) - Down here, it's OUR time
Down here it's our time! Before the internet I bet you thought you were the only one who knew how funny this crap was.

Mac: The Goonies pits a bunch of loveable kids against their natural enemy, a family of Italian career criminals. It's a bold strategy once employed by none other than J. Edgar Hoover. Each kid has a ton of personality, something most movies with ensemble casts could learn from. In the highlight reel of my mind's eye, it's hard to pick a favorite scene, but I'm partial to the bit in the attic where they pour over the map, and any scene involving treasure. The only part I DON'T like is when Mike (Sean Austin) makes out with his brother's girl. Bucket Bros before Bucket Hoes.

The Goonies (1985) - One-Eyed Willie
"We got a lot in common," Mike whispered. "You were the first Goonie." Like his hero One-Eyed Willie, Mike planned on killing his friends and keeping all the treasure for himself.
The Goonies (1985) - Superman
Superman is looking a little lumpy. Kinda like he's made out of spam. It's Superham!

Beef: Whenever I begin to place a child's hand in a blender, or freak out and turn on my masters by becoming a Special Ed version of Superman and then out-pirate an old lady, or invent a weird device that wouldn't seem out of place on Inspector Gadget, I think of Goonies. Like Gremlins or the Monster Squad, it's an 80s kid staple that you can't go wrong with. Unless you're Samwise the hobbit, who walked out of the directors commentary screening halfway through. What a dick. I bet it was his idea to cut the octopus scene.

The Goonies (1985) - Octopus
Yes, there's an octopus. Don't believe us? Check the DVD.

Mac: This was a kids movie, from back in the days when kids movies were inappropriate for children. If you grew up and decided not to let your kids watch The Goonies, even though you loved it as a child -- congratulations, you helped weaken the next generation. When the Zulgg Armada invades, and Blotesue Overlords whip and herd us like cattle, there's no one to blame but yourself when your kid turns out to be some kind of armband-wearing alien turncoat. But that's when MY kid crests a mountain of bodies, bellows "HEY YOU GUYS!" and swings over the broken streets of New York, spewing catch phrases and cover fire.

The Goonies (1985) - Truffle Shuffle
Fun fact: Chunk is 85% truffle, 15% non-specified trade secret additives, 0% shuffle. Oddly enough.
—Beef and Mac, Movie Cops | @RealBucketBros | Email

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