Bucket Bros: The Carpenters of Comedy
Movies So Bad...
They HAD to Reboot the Series
Die Another Day
By Zeus | 2009-02-10
Some movies are bad. Others are so bad, their sequels pretend they never happened (Highlander II). But these films retroactively taint the entire franchise; they travel back in time and murder their own grandfather; they're so bad, the only option is to reboot the series.
They had 40 years to make a really bad James Bond movie, but not even The Man With the Golden Gun was worse than this sucker. Yes, this movie actually out-awfuls Christopher Lee's third nipple. Die Another Day is as bad as it gets.
This movie was Jinxed from the start. The credits say it all: Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, in Die Another Day, STARRING HALLE BERRY. Things go downhill from there. As the half-naked title sequence women dance, James Bond is tortured; simulated drowning, shackled beatings, you name it. And if you think these North Korean interrogation techniques are a bit "enhanced," wait until they bring out the hot pokers. Pierce Brosnan, wearing a crappy beard, being tortured for fifteen minutes: it's like Passion of the Christ with British accents.
Still, it's nothing compared to what Halle Berry -- as Jinx -- did to the series.
From the second this urban ladyboy rose from the water, I knew James Bond was in trouble. Yes, Halle Berry has breasts, but breasts are $2 at KFC. From the neck up, she wants to be like Mike. She's not a butterface, she's a boy-face, with a mug only Michael Jackson could love. She's the type of chick where you want her to have your baby, but you're not quite sure she has all her lady parts. And if that wasn't bad enough, her lovemaking techniques involve a knife.
Jinx was the latest in the long line of "Jane Bonds", or Bond girls who try and hold their own with 007. But while Michelle Yeoh was the female Jackie Chan, Jinx is the female Chris Tucker.
Zao: Who sent you?
Jinx: Yo mama!
Yo mama? Seriously? That's your witty retort?
Not only was Bond constantly one-upped in the field by Halle-frickin-Berry, he still had to report to that saggy-jowled harridan M. (Did someone forget this is a movie series for guys? They don't run Bond marathons on Lifetime for a reason.)
Everyone steals the show in this movie. At one point, a guy jumps out of a plane with a Union Jack parachute, lands at Buckingham palace and is Knighted by the Queen. Cut to James Bond, standing in the crowd with an "I wish I could do that" look on his face.
I came up with the perfect way to eliminate James Bond just after he and double-agent Emma Frost made the Beast With 007 Backs. Since Bond bags every babe you send to destroy him, why not just hire someone with AIDS? It's not that I was mad at the guy, I just wanted to put him out of his misery. But my nefarious plans were nothing compared to what Halle Berry did to the series.
Witty dialog is a thing of the past. Two different evil fencers even make the same "to the point" pun.
Frost: I can read your every move.
Jinx: Read THIS, bitch!
The dialog verges on self-parody, almost as if the writers thought they were making an Austin Powers movie. Come to think of it, that goes for the whole film: We've got a North Korean villain who gets plastic surgery to look Caucasian and speaks flawless English even when he's alone with his Korean henchmen, an invisible car, and a Bond Girl who looks like Jaden Smith.
Bond: Do you believe in bad luck?
Jinx: Let's just say my relationships don't seem to last.
Her words proved prophetic, as Pierce Brosnan was unceremoniously replaced with Daniel Craig and plans for a Die Another Day spinoff with Jinx as the lead were immediately scrapped.
James Bond lives in a state of perpetual mid-life crisis: fast cars, young women, deadly stunts. But Die Another Day is the viagra chaser to Bond's metamucil martini. He surfs -- twice! -- the second time while parachuting. I think they took Vin Diesel's XXX movie a little too seriously, and taking Vin Diesel movies seriously is an early sign of impending mental collapse.
Did The Reboot Help?
Hell yeah. As much as I would have loved to see Pierce get his fifth and final James Bond movie, the screenwriters seemed determined to put him in as stupid situations as possible. Brosnan may have been a fine bond, but except for Goldeneye, he was a fine James Bond in some God-awful James Bond movies.
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