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Beef Goes AWOL All Over Noah's BlockbusTurd Ass

Noah

I sat down in the theatre to see a movie about Noah's Ark, expecting a fun, family friendly bible story. Fast forward-Russell Crowe starts going all "The Shining" on his families asses by planning to kill his grandchild if it's a girl.

It goes on and on for what feels like an hour, this lengthy slow paced drama about maybe killing a baby depending on its gender.

Did I mention it's a Noah's Ark movie? Yeah. You don't need to be a neo-con from Texas to feel like this is a major misstep.

The movie starts out good, if more Tolkienesque than Biblical, with preparations for a big Braveheart battle mixed in with more accurate scenes of Noah building an ark.

There's big rock monster "Watchers" who help Noah build the ark and fight for him.

An army of douche bags wanting to kill Noah are led by Ray Winstone as Tubal Cane, a big fat hairy old guy, much like 2014 edition Russell Crowe.

This pudgy, Angry old coot ends up stowing away on the ark after his army gets its ass handed to it by the Watchers and the flood.

Ray has scenes where he plays off of Noah's son Ham and they conspire against Noah, plotting to kill him. Man is this movie filled with nonsense drama and illogical character arcs, pun intended.

The film has some amazing stop motion looking nature shots and special effects that are really a cut above the sort of special effects you would expect from your typical post LotR fantasy film.

Even the big Braveheart battle feels a bit inspired. But the second half (or super long third act?) is pretty damn bad.

Imagine Cabin Boy starring Chris Elliot with the crew of the filthy whore recast as Russell Crowe and Ray Winstone.

Fun fact: Aronofsky began working on the script in 2000, finishing the first draft in 2003. He adapted the script into a comic book in 2011 while waiting for a movie deal.

—Beef and Mac, Movie Cops | @RealBucketBros | Email

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