Bucket Bros: The Carpenters of Comedy
Ophelia's Lazy Eye
Image composite by Zeus / courtesy of MorgueFile
Sarah was getting really drunk tonight. After the day she had, she needed to shut her brain off.
A girl caught her eye at the bar. She had a unique look. The right lens of her glasses was vertical, and oblong. Taking up about half of the right side of her face. Her right eye was about twice as large as her left, with an oversized, lazy pupil drooping to the bottom of the orb.
Having fun staring? the girl asked. Sorry, Sarah said. I must be getting fucked up on this vodka already. Not a problem, just don't let it happen again, said the strange girl. I'm trying to blend in and you're not making it any easier.
Really? what are you hiding from? asked Sarah. The police, actually. Said the girl. What for? asked Sarah. Smuggling drugs across the border, cocaine mostly. Said the girl.
Are you like, a drug addict or a criminal or something? asked Sarah. I suppose you can't have one without the other in this day and age, said the girl.
I've always been in two places at once, neither here nor there. Just trying to get where I'm going a bit faster.
Slowly killing yourself? Asked Sarah. Like I said already, two places at once, said the girl.
Ken had been driving all night. He was past the point of exhaustion. His hands were gripping the wheel like two pit-bulls sinking their jaws into a trespassers legs. His arms gently swaying to the left, then the right, then left again. Like some puppet on a string, slowly dancing. He appeared as though he was under hypnosis.
Seven cups of coffee in as many hours, two empty thermoses on the floor board of the passengers side, still barely enough to keep his eyes open.
The bitch is gonna pay. Those five words echoes in John's head in an endless feedback loop. Like a mantra. It was all his threadbare mind could muster anymore.
Ken was a private investigator, officially. Unofficially, he was a portal closer. His real vocation was closing tears in space time. Every other time, in his personal experience, this meant causing a specific location to be disappeared. A house burnt to the ground so that nothing could creep out of the closet. Dismantling a book case in a public library after a few librarians right hands went missing. Once, he took an entire abandoned town off the map after all attempts at dismantling it resulted in missing construction workers. That matter was still being looked into by his superiors.
This was Kens first experience with a "Human" Portal, or even the first he had ever heard of. I have to kill her or else all hell could break loose, he had told the boss. He had received the go ahead. She had crossed the border from Chile all the way up to Texas.
Everywhere she went, thousands of spiders followed her, setting up webs and reproducing at a rapid rate. Spiders that whispered back and fourth to each other, in a strange language no one could understand. Spiders that swarmed exterminators and stripped them to the bone like a time lapsed recording of insects feeding on a corpse.
The bitch is gonna pay. The bitch is gonna pay. The bitch is gonna pay.
Sarah had stayed up all night with her new friend, who she had found out was named Ophelia. Bar hopping, watching a midnight showing of a movie about killer dolls from outer space, eating pizza at a local restaurant at 2 am. Walking the streets, still busy with nightlife, getting even more drunk along the way.
As the sun came up they were blowing giant bubbles with bent wire coat hangers in the town square. Laughing like crazy, without a care in the world. Their troubles temporarily behind them.
A Man walked towards them, pointing a gun at Ophelia. Get down on the ground, Ophelia! shouted Ken. Shoot me now, she replied, barely a whisper. It's been a long time coming.
Ophelia spread her arms outward, in the shape of a crucifix. Her lazy eye lifted up from the bottom of the orb, looking straight ahead at Ken, an insane grin spreading across her face. Time seemed to bend. Shifting, like a ship at sea during a storm. What the hell is happening? shouted Ken. Spiders poured up from the dirt, working their way up kens legs, stripping them to the bone. Ken screamed in agony and shot his gun right through Ophelia's lazy eye. Blowing a hole clean through her head with a 45 caliber bullet from his magnum. Ophelia smiled, relieved. She and Ken both collapsed to the ground at the same time. It was over.
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